Crimson Lake, Alberta
The days of our years are threescore years and ten; …
Psalm 90:10
Next Monday, I will celebrate my threescore years and tenth birthday. According to the Bible, that’s pretty much it for me. Seventy is a biblical life expectancy.
… and if by reason of strength they be fourscore years, yet is their strength labour and sorrow; for it is soon cut off, and we fly away.
The passage goes on to say that I could live to be eighty, if I am strong, but it is all “labour and sorrow” beyond seventy.
Psalm 90 was purportedly written by Moses, who the Bible says lived for 120 years.
Imagine how grumpy Moses must have been in old age, enduring fifty years of “labour and sorrow” before he died.
In the days leading up to my 70th birthday, I have been reflecting on things about being elderly that I want to avoid. If Moses was around today, these are the character traits he and I should try to stay away from:
At 120, Moses surely suffered from ailments of the elderly. Then as now, his kids and his neighbours didn’t need to hear about his hernia, or his …
… Irregularity
When old folks go to Safeway, we should not stand in the middle of the aisle blocking cart traffic, debating whether to buy Beans and Pork, or …
… Pork and Beans
Brand loyalty is admirable, until the products we are buying are entirely out of fashion. While Moses is at the grocery store, he should avoid stocking up on Wonder Bread, Old Spice Deodorant, and …
… Werther’s Originals.
Moses and I should strive to keep up with technology. We must never call our kids and ask; “which button do I push to get ……
… that YouTubey thing?”
If you catch yourself saying “Remember that time I parted the Red Sea”, for the umpteenth time, maybe it is time for some …
… Fresh Stories
We elder folks must ensure that others are not inconvenienced by our mobility devices, whether it be canes, walkers, or …
… Shepherd’s Crooks
Being reliant on others, or on diapers, are both signs that we have crossed the line into old age. Dependence and Depends are …
… Homonyms.
Waiter: “Our special today is Szechuan Chicken.”
Moses: “That sounds spicy, I can’t eat spice, gives me gas.”
Examples of two elder traits to be avoided; Finicky Eating, and …
… Overshare.
I have a habit of giving unsolicited advice. I know how annoying that can be, but I don’t hold a candle to Moses; he took giving advice to a whole new level with the …
… Ten Commandments.
Moses and I should avoid Fashion Faux-Pas; Shirts Tucked in Under the Beer Bulge, Safari Hats while not on Safari, Short Shorts, and …
… White Socks in Sandals.
Cash, Land Lines, Chevy Impalas, Old-fashioned Ideas, Willful Ignorance, Technological Knuckle Dragging, Over-Conservative Values, Impairment Denial (Hearing, Sight, or Cognitive), Living in the Past, Tunnel Vision, …
… There are probably hundreds of other elder traits Moses and I should avoid. Send your recommendations in the comments section below.
Moses and I also need to avoid Statler and Waldorf Syndrome:
“a pattern of behavior that openly criticizes the best efforts of others while offering little practical help or personal encouragement.”
… Negativity, Resisting Change, Being Early for Everything, Eating Supper at 4:30, and Bed Before 9:00, Discussing Funerals, Talking About Routine Things Like They Matter:
“The mail used to come at 10am, now it doesn’t get here until 3pm.”
“It is hot today, hotter than yesterday, probably not as hot as tomorrow”.
“The neighbours got a new toaster, maybe we should get a new toaster.”
But the #1 thing that Moses and I need to avoid is ….
…That Funky Smell.
I am not quite ready to be Three Score and Ten yet …
… Hold My Beer.
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Val
Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.
~David Bowie
You are just getting closer to being that person!
Russ Paton
Very Profound. Maybe I want to be David Bowie. 😎
GG
Sadly I think the tense is now “wanted to be”!
GG
Somehow I’m reminded of the ancient proverb about people in glass houses not throwing stones, I mean, think of the importance of the time when the ice truck arrives 😉 Just sayin’.
Good column, keep on keeping on.
Russ Paton
Some forms of regularity are better than others…..
GG
Sadly I think the tense is now “wanted to be”!
Russ Paton
Yes, of course…