Vancouver, British Columbia
Edgar Allan Poe used bells as a metaphor for stages of life in his poem “The Bells”. The structure progresses through four sections, silver sleigh bells, golden wedding bells, brass alarm bells, and iron funeral bells.
Silver bells!
What a world of merriment their melody foretells! …
Golden bells!
What a world of happiness their harmony foretells! …
Lines from the first two stanzas ring true, but Poe goes off track in the third …
Brazen bells!
What tale of terror, now, their turbulency tells!
Edgar Allan Poe only lived to age 40, “The Bells” was published posthumously. He did not experience the joys of middle-age.
Edgar Allan Poe was the “shock jock” of the Victorian Era, he often painted a bleak, macabre picture of life to attract audience attention.
Poe gets it totally wrong in the last stanza of “The Bells”. He uses words like “night” and “fright”, “groan” and “alone” to describe death.
Iron bells!
What a world of solemn thought their monody compels! …
Poe completely misses the celebratory nature of life’s final, inevitable event.
“The Jade Canoe” in Vancouver Airport is just one of a million reasons to celebrate being alive.
“The vessel is crowded with creatures and beings, their identities drawn from legends and oral histories of the Haida, and their forms energetically and sometimes fiercely interacting with each other in the manner of rivalrous siblings.” – Vancouver Airport Authority
Bear and I are in what Poe describes as the “Alarm Bell” stage of life, somewhere between Wedding Bells and Funeral Bells, but I don’t see anything ‘alarming’ about it. Mature years are a time to celebrate all the wonderful people, events, and sights we have experienced along the way.
Flying Traveler
Vancouver Airport
Not to ignore the alarming nature of this stage of life entirely, Bear and I just had our wills rewritten. It was time; the kids have matured, life insurance has expired, and the inevitable need for stuff distribution draws nearer. I am not fussed about the prospect of dying, everybody does, I hope it doesn’t happen prematurely, but when it comes, I’m ready.
What bothers me more is the prospect of spending eternity in a box beneath the earth. The fear of being buried started when I read another of Poe’s dreadful tales, “The Premature Burial“.
Illustration for Edgar Allan Poe’s story “The Premature Burial” by Harry Clarke.
The Premature Burial features a protagonist with a fear of being interred while in a comatose state that has been mistaken for death.
The terror of waking alive, trapped underground, is my worst fear. At various occasions in my life I have awoken in a terrified state, convinced that an over-heated room or too-tight blankets are evidence of being buried alive.
Poe’s character designs a tomb equipped with a bell-on-a-rope system to signal for help if he is trapped underground.
Idioms like “saved by the bell” and “a dead ringer“, are linked to grave bells Poe describes in “The Premature Burial“.
Grave bell beside the tomb of Charles F. Mills, Thunderbolt, Georgia.
I have a better solution than Poe’s Hope-on-a Rope system. While we were drafting wills, I asked the lawyer to prepare a Personal Directive that instructs my executors to cremate my remains and scatter the ashes anywhere they think I belong.
Until I started researching this piece, I had no idea that my buried-alive phobia has a name. The knowledge that my final resting place will be above ground soothes my …
… Taphephobia.
Epitaph
While I was writing this piece, I took a break to order some lawn furniture from Costco. While browsing their on-line catalogue, I stumbled upon a section entitled “Funeral”. I was shocked to learn that you can buy a casket or a burial urn from the retail giant!
I have already stated that I won’t be going into a coffin, but I had to have a look.
If you don’t share my taphephobia, you can rest in eternity in a Costco “Serenity Casket”, for less than $2000, shipping included.
If an urn is more appealing (let’s make that “less disagreeable”), your ashes could be kept in a Costco Urn.
The brass urn comes with four little souvenir urns to haunt your descendant’s mantles.
I have no interest in either of these burial options, but I continued browsing the Costco catalogue. I came across a far better recommendation for my executors in the Houseware section – the Titan Freezer Bag.
Costco sells Titan Freezer Bags in bulk. At $46.99 for 320, the cost per bag is only 15 cents. I am certain that my ashes will fit in one 27cm x 28.5 cm bag but even if it takes two, the kids can use the other 318 bags for food preserves, and my funeral will only cost 30 cents.
The bags are made of “thick puncture resistant material” and have a “double zipper, leak-free seal” so my remains won’t contaminate the rug if accidentally dropped.
Titan Bags are advertised as “BPA Free”. It is comforting to know that my ashes won’t be mixed with anything caustic.
And Costco bags have a “write-on area” for my epitaph.
“Here lies Russ, in a Titan”.
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Keith MacDonald
Loved it, Russ. Thanks and keep it up (the blog I mean).
Russ Paton
Now, there’s a topic for another time! 🤩